Why Superheroes Never Come from the Deep South
Holy Lack of Inclusion, Batman!
In my exhaustive research of superhero literature (ability to read comic books), I noticed that there are virtually no masked vigilantes from south of the Mason-Dixon line. There’s plenty of crime in the South. Wouldn’t there naturally be individuals infused with preternatural powers who would stand up to injustice? Or is there some reason the mutant gene doesn’t effect southerners?
After further study further (eating lunch and wasting company time), here’s what I came up with…
Too hard to hide the costume under a sweaty t-shirt.
“It’ll git done when it gits done” is not a very motivational catch phrase.
Moving in slow motion is not generally considered a super-power. Neither is the ability to use duct tape.
Nobody wants to be saved by an overweight, unshaven white guy with no shirt.
A steady diet of BBQ and cheese biscuits tends to slow you down.
Rusted-out pickup trucks from the early 70s aren’t particularly suited for hunting down bad-guys… especially when they’ve been on blocks for 12 years.
Building a cave full of high-tech gadgets in the swamp just doesn’t work.
Big white guys in masks would be easily mistaken for Klansmen.
Big black guys in masks would be easily mistaken for burglars (or it’s a good enough excuse to put ‘em in jail if you’re a big white guy in a mask).
Wearing spandex on the street will get you killed in the South.
Stars and Bars on your spandex will get you killed anywhere else.
Your dog, Bubba, can’t even get off his sorry butt to kill a possum, much less act as a faithful sidekick.
Living with a sinewy young guy and running around wearing underwear on the outside gives you feelings you’re not ready to explore.