Social Baggage

WASHINGTON, DC#In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that, beginning in 2001, the government will issue all citizens an annual “Simplification” packet. The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with federal tax forms, will condense the government’s countless methods of abuse into a single handy 9×12 envelope.?

“The federal government’s current citizen-persecution system is inefficient and wasteful,” said Sen. Alfonse D’Amato (R-NY), who spearheaded the congressional task force that developed the “Simplification” packet. “This compact packet is not only cost-effective, it’s user-friendly and intuitive. Simple instructions and easy-to-remember acronyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible.” The packet’s easy-to-understand forms will free citizens of the nightmare of red tape normally associated with federal filings.

Filling out and returning the “Simplification” packet is mandatory and easy. Here’s how: The first step is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor using the convenient EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail or fax forms SF0089-L and SF0065-DD to their local Simplification EMF Processing Center. They may also drop them off at SFEMFPC kiosks conveniently set up at post offices and public libraries across the U.S.

Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in person to a Simplification EMF Processing Center Clerk. Such applicants must meet with the SFEMFPCC, and should arrange appointments via the State Application Auditing Appointment Bureau. Once an appointment date has been set by the SAAAB, a Simplification Appointment Confirmation Card will be mailed to you within three to four weeks. Upon receipt of the Simplification Appointment Confirmation Card, applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Simplification Appointment Registry Bureau. Failure to register the appointment within a 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to your estimated SFEMF-1138 quotient.

The amount of the fine can be determined by using Simplification Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612, which is available at all local Department of Fiduciary Adjustment branch offices. If there is no DFA office in your immediate Simplification zone, district, state or township, you should contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in Washington, D.C., and ask to speak to a Citizen’s Outreach Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on SFF/PS565612.

There is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by making three copies of forms SFEMF-1138, KSJU-387-SK, SKSP-90-EZ, and SF-2389, along with computer code 0100010 and ACC-842, and forwarding them to the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments Postal Processing Center in Colorado Springs, CO.

Forms received by the FDFAPPC will be processed and returned to applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to have their forms returned in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary calculation Acceleration Form 9056 at their local SFEMFPC.

FCAF-9056 forms will be available Monday to Tuesday between the hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., and are distributed on a first-come, first-serve basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in Washington, DC. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared authentication via the FDFA in Washington, DC, will be rendered null and void, and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Colorado Springs.

Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will draw a $10 per SFEMF-1138 fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours, or the applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-search by the Armed Outreach Response Team, an independently operated division of the Simplification Outreach Consortium.